Brian Demay’s Corny Joke of the Day

Brian’s Corny Joke of the Day happens weekday afternoons at 5:15! 

Why should you NEVER accept a friend request from Hormel Foods? BECAUSE IT COULD BE SPAM.

What is Chef Boyardee’s favorite speech? THE SPAGHETTISBURG ADDRESS

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? THERE IS NO MENU: YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.

What happens when you take the life out of a pen? YOU GET A PEN-SOUL (Pencil…heh heh)

Why can’t Simba be trusted? BECAUSE HE’s A LYIN KING

What do you call a PIG that lived in the time of the dinosaurs? JURASSIC PORK

What do you call Anakin Skywalker when he’s scared? PANICKIN’ SKYWALKER!

What do you call an ambitious vegetable? HUSTLE SPROUTS

What did the drum and cymbal say when they tripped? BA DUM TIS

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD

What do you get when you cross a JOKE with a Yamaha? A YAMAHAHA

What did the BRA say to the HAT? YOU GO ON A HEAD, I NEED TO GIVE THESE TWO A LIFT

Why do teenage girls travel in groups of three? BECAUSE THEY CAN’T EVEN.

How are dog catchers paid? BY THE POUND

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A FATHER IN LAW

What kind of shoes do artists prefer? SKECHERS

What do you call a dinosaur with excellent dental habits? A FLOSSORAPTOR

There’s a fine line between a numerator and denominator. ONLY A FRACTION OF PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE

What do you call someone who is really good at Gossip? SOMEONE WITH A GREAT SENSE OF RUMOR

What do you call a magic owl? HOODINI!

Do dolphins ever do anything by accident? NO, EVERYTHING’s ON PORPOISE.

What do clouds wear underneath their clothes? THUNDERPANTS

How did the horse pay for his hay? HE HAD A STABLE INCOME

What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation? BONE VOYAGE!

Why is PETER PAN always flying? BECAUSE HE LIVES IN NEVERLAND. (That joke never gets old!)

Why did the banker PUSH the customer? BECAUSE THE CUSTOMER CAME IN TO CHECK HIS BALANCE.

What do you call a fat psychic? A FOUR CHIN TELLER

How did Humpty Dumpty react after having a terrible summer? HE HAD A GREAT FALL!

How is an ear of corn like the army? BOTH HAVE LOTS OF KERNELS!

What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer day? A MICE CREAM CONE!

What was the name of the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table? SIR CUMFERENCE

What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 CENT FEATURING NICKELBACK

Why did the guy name his dog 5 miles? SO EVERYDAY HE CAN SAY “I JUST WALKED 5 MILES”

What state has the smallest soft drinks? MINNESOTA (Mini Soda…heh heh…)

What are the strongest days of the week? SATURDAY AND SUNDAY – Because the rest are WEAK daysLost Control

What do you call a BLIND dinosaur? A “DOYOUTHINKHESAURUS”

What did the husband do when his wife told him to stop acting like a Flamingo? HE PUT HIS FOOT DOWN

What do you call the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before? DEJA-MOO!

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS TAKE THINGS…LITERALLY.

What would ELVIS say if he were alive right now? LET ME OUT! I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE!

What is the loudest pet? A TRUMPET

A cop is sitting on the side of the highway when all of a sudden he sees a guy driving a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the truck over and tells the driver “What are you doing? You need to take these penguins to the zoo immediately.” The driver said OK. A few hours later, the truck passes again, still filled with penguins. The officer pulls the man over again, and says “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” The driver said “I did, and they loved it. Now we’re going to the movies!”

What’s red, and tastes exactly like green paint? RED PAINT.

CloggedWhy can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? BECAUSE THE “P” IS SILENT.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? ONLY ONE, BUT THE LIGHT BULB REALLY HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE

What do you call a wandering caveman? A MEANDERTHAL

How do you make Auntie Freeze? YOU TAKE AWAY HER BLANKET

Did you hear about the guy who LOVED the Hokey Pokey? AT FIRST HE WAS ADDICTED, BUT HE TURNED HIMSELF AROUND.

Why couldn’t the two feet get along? BECAUSE THEY BOTH THOUGHT THEY WERE RIGHT

How do you keep a BAGEL from running away? YOU PUT LOX ON ITB2hN-u4IEAAggN_

Why can’t you trust stairs? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS UP TO SOMETHING.

Why don’t triangles talk to circles? BECAUSE THEY’RE POINTLESS

How are Politicians and diapers alike? THEY BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED REGULARLY & FOR THE SAME REASON.

What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach? SANDY EGGO.

Why is a barn always so noisy? BECAUSE THE COWS HAVE HORNS

meanderthalHow did the road-worker’s family KNOW he was a thief? WHEN HE GOT HOME, ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE….

What did one magnet say to the other at the bar? I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE!

Did you hear about the book about anti-gravity? Not only is it a best seller….YOU CAN’T PUT IT DOWN!

What do computers snack on? MICROCHIPS

Why don’t you iron 4-leaf clovers? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER PRESS YOUR LUCK!

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY!

What’s the opposite of irony? WRINKLY.

What two things can you NEVER eat for Breakfast? LUNCH & DINNER!

A skeleton walks into a bar and says BARTENDER, GIMME A BEER, AND A MOP!

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? BECAUSE HE WAS OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? HIS GOAL: TRANSCEND DENTAL MEDICATION.

What is Frosty the Snowman’s favorite breakfast cereal? FROSTED FLAKES

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? HE TAKES THINGS. PERSONALLY.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. ONE SNOWMAN TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, “THAT’S FUNNY, I SMELL CARROTS TOO!”

d81e56ea8586df7330bf0a2def75386eWhat do termites eat for breakfast? OAKmeal

Why don’t lobsters like to share? BECAUSE THEY’RE “SHELLFISH”

Why do birds fly south in the winter? BECAUSE IT’s TOO FAR TO WALK!

Why do plants hate math? BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT SQUARE ROOTS

A Neutron walks into a bar, says how much for a drink? The bartender says “FOR YOU, NO CHARGE!”

Why was the Milky Way created? BECAUSE THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON!

What is a tree’s favorite drink? ROOT BEER.

What did one elevator say to the other? I THINK I’M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING!

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? VERY WET FEET.

A vegan, an atheist, and a cross-fitter walked into a bar. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY TOLD EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK WITHIN TWO MINUTES.

What would bears be without bees? EARS!

Why can’t escalators break? BECAUSE EVEN IF THEY STOP WORKING – THEY’RE STILL STAIRS

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Why did the cow jump over the moon? BECAUSE THE FARMER HAD COLD HANDS!

Did you hear that song about a tortilla? WELL IT’s ACTUALLY MORE OF A WRAP

Why can’t you trust stairs? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS UP TO SOMETHING….

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? TO THE NEAREST RE-TAIL STORE.

Why was the math teacher always so sad? BECAUSE EVERY DAY WAS NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? SNEAKERS

Why did the man throw his clothes under the bus? BECAUSE HE NEEDED A CHANGE OF ATTIRE

Two eskimos were very cold sitting in their kayak so they decided to light a fire right there. Unfortunately, the kayak burned and sank – WHICH PROVES THAT YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT TOO……

Why don’t you ever see a nose that’s 12 inches long? BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!

Why couldn’t the two feet get along? BECAUSE THEY BOTH THOUGHT THEY WERE RIGHT

What was Beethoven’s Favorite Fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA…….

Did you hear about the man who dreamed he was a muffler? HE WOKE UP EXHAUSTED!

Why should you NEVER tell jokes about German sausage? BECAUSE THEY ARE THE WURST!

What does a clock do if it’s still hungry? IT GOES BACK FOUR SECONDS.

How are Politicians and diapers alike? THEY BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED REGULARLY & FOR THE SAME REASON.

Why did Santa want a garden at the North Pole? BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HO HO HO!

What do elves learn in school? THE ELFABET

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? BECAUSE THE CHICKEN JOKE WASN’T INVENTED YET.

What do you call a day without coffee? DEPRESSO

What’s another name for Santa’s Helpers? SUBORDINATE CLAUSES

What is the most musical part of a turkey? THE DRUMSTICK

Did you hear about the guy who’s addicted to brake fluid? IT’S BAD NEWS BUT HE CAN STOP WHENEVER HE WANTS.

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? OUTLAWS ARE WANTED.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A GUMMY BEAR.

Did you hear about that restaurant they just put on the moon? GREAT MENU, BUT NO ATMOSPHERE.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? BECAUSE HE NEEDED SOME COLD HARD CASH!

HumerusWhy did the cookie go to the hospital? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY

What do you call a snail on a boat? A SNAILOR!

Why can’t you keep secrets on a farm? BECAUSE THE POTATOES HAVE EYES AND THE CORN HAS EARS!

What is faster Hot or cold? HOT, BECAUSE YOU CAN CATCH A COLD.

What do you call a nun that sleep walks? A ROAMIN’ CATHOLIC!

What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz? CHEESE WAS!

Why is SMILE the longest word in the dictionary? BECAUSE THERE’s A MILE BETWEEN EACH “s”

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? BECAUSE THE REF KEPT CALLING FOWLS!

What would bears be without bees? EARS!

What’s ET short for – that’s PHONE HOME ET, not Entertainment Tonight? BECAUSE HE’s GOT NO LEGS!

What does the baby computer call his father? DATA!

What do you call a donkey with ear muffs? ANYTHING YOU WANT – HE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

What kind of drink do trees prefer? ROOT BEER

Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship? BOTH CREWS WERE MAROONED!

corny2Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY!

Why don’t you iron 4-leaf clovers? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER PRESS YOUR LUCK!

What’s Forrest Gump’s email password? 1FORREST1!

What’s green and sings Blue Suede Shoes? ELVIS PARSLEY!

What did the finger say to the thumb? I AM IN GLOVE WITH YOU!

What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter? AN IRRELEPHANT!

Did you hear about the band called 999 Megabytes? YEAH, THEY HAVEN’T GOT A GIG YET.

What’s difference between a guitar and a fish? YOU CAN’T TUNA FISH!

What do you call Batman when he skips church? CHRISTIAN BALE

COrny3What do lawyers wear to court? LAWSUITS!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? BECAUSE CHICKENS WERE NOT INVENTED YET

What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation? BONE VOYAGE!

What building is the tallest? THE LIBRARY – BECAUSE IT HAS THE MOST STORIES.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? BECAUSE IT’s POINTLESS

Why don’t you ever see a nose that’s 12 inches long? BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!

A doctor, a lawyer, a nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

Why did the baker go to the bank? BECAUSE HE KNEADED DOUGH!

What do sea monsters eat? FISH AND SHIPS

What food is crazy about money? DOUGH NUTS!

Why do Elephants have trunks? BECAUSE THEY WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH GLOVE COMPARTMENTS!

A female vegetarian approached me at a local vegetarian restaurant and claimed we knew each other. BUT I HAD NEVER MET HERBIVORE.

What do toads drink? CROAKA-COLA!

Fridge
Is your refrigerator running? THEN YOU BETTER CATCH IT!

Why was the mushroom invited to so many parties? BECAUSE EVERYONE KNEW HE WAS A FUN-GI

Why are there no KNOCK KNOCK jokes about America? BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS

Why do bees have sticky hair?  BECAUSE THEY USE HONEYCOMBS!

A bear walks into a bar and says “I’d like a…….. beer.” The bartender says what’s with the big pause? THE BEAR SAYS, I DUNNO ALWAYS HAD’EM!

Why are teddy bears never hungry? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS STUFFED!

What do you call an aardvark with three feet? A YARD-VARK!

What’s brown and sticky? A STICK

What did the shy pebble wish? THAT SHE WAS A LITTLE BOULDER!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME

What did the policeman say when his stomach was growling? STOP! YOU’RE UNDER A VEST!

Did you know the PENTAGON was originally supposed to be an OCTAGON? IT’S TRUE, BUT THE CONTRACTOR KEPT CUTTING CORNERS.

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